This afternoon, after an extended stroll through the local forest, I happened to pass by an old children’s playground. It was the playground where I used to get shitfaced with my friends years ago.
Walking around there I noticed a bunch of empty beer bottles that had been dumped together with a red bull can and an (unfortunately) empty pizza box.
The first thought that came to my mind, was:
“Some things never change, eh?”
Then: “Actually, that could have been me 15 years ago”
Then: ” Wouldn’t hurt to pick it up and put it in the bin, would it? Someone had to clean up behind us, too…”
And as I was following my impulse to pick the stuff up and put it in the bin I noticed myself hesitating, thinking:
“But what if somebody sees you?”
Well, what then? Then they would probably see that I’m not the dickhead I used to be…?!?
I still kept looking around for a while before I finally decided to stare the fear of judgement in the eye and punch right through it rather than to avoid it and therefore keep being its prisoner.
For the last 20 years or so I kept saying that “I don’t give a damn what others think of me…”, mostly as an excuse to behave like an absolute bell-end, but quite apparently I did give a damn after all!
The funny thing is that if I would have been at the beach in Portugal or anywhere else in the world, I probably wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to pick up some damn bottles, but right here where I grew up and a lot of people could recognise me, my ego couldn’t be arsed losing its old badass party guy identity.
Now I understand a bit better, why life has led me back to this place I ran away from 9 years ago – because blockages are best undone where they were built. All I have to do is to walk around consciously and I would find several ones every day.
In order to finally let go of this particular one, I would like to take the opportunity and make it clear that that old guy is gone and I do not, for real this time, care about anyone’s opinion about me.
I am a Reiki healer, I love nature, I am not taking any vaccinations and I am highly interested in shamanism and plant medicine. If that is something you know nothing but ridicule for, I kindly ask you to do one of 2 things:
- Get over it
- Feel free to walk out of my life and never come back
Thank you! 🙂